LIES

"I hate you"
"I'm glad he isn't here"
"I'm better off with out you"
"I do deserve better"
"I'm glad we don't talk anymore"
"I'm so glad that we never dated"
"I don't think he knows i exist anymore, I don't care though"
"He's a jerk"



i love you
i wish you were right here beside me
i only deserve you
i miss our small conversations
i was aching to date you
it tears me to pieces
you're perfection

My Life is a WarZone.

So, what can i say? This year has been absolutely CRAZY. I have had more ups and downs than i have had any other school year. In the end, i have become so much stronger.I've gotten in a wreck, a best friend has become an enemy, i've battled depression at my worst, completely broke down a few times, made new friends, laughed my heart out,took plenty of pictures, and made Indian Players.

Today felt like a closure. I felt like i saw my past, present, and future. Iclosed my past, i found out that i don't feel the same anymore,you're a great person and all, but it is time to move on.

My present surround me like a bubble, i saw all that i was this year and everything i've gone through.I felt my future. I feel all that it can be through myself, if i choose right it will be the best. From this point forward, I want to promise myself to just be myself. Not anybody else. Be open to meeting new people,be the best i can be and most of all; keep moving forward.When my faith is on the floor and my hope has fallen short, remember that the prize is waiting at the finish line.

You have to go through bedlam to receive serenity.

LOVE

It is one of the easiest words to say and spell,yet it can hurt the most.

Constantly, i think; "when will i bet struck by love?"

It just seems like EVER guy i ever meet does not understand me,whatsoever.

Or i worry about giving too much or giving too little.

It's all so confusing. I just want to go and meet new guys.Majority of the guys at school are idiotic jerks.

I want to runaway for the summer, to a new place with new people, i really do.

I am SUCH a hopless romantic.

JUNE 1ST 2009

can you believe it is almost a year since i met you?

lets recap:

i was 15 and naive, you were 16 and confused

i had such high hopes for us.

what all we could be and this all probably sounds so stupid

but oh well.

we met on unlikely terms.

infact, i had met you before that year and we had exchanged names

and smiles a few times.

but that day was different, we looked at one another

when the other wasn't looking and my heart skipped a beat or two.

we laughed over liking the same music.

the four of us friends played in the pool, and in the odds of playing a game

you got stuck with me, and held me.

you held me long and tight, and i felt safe.

i had to even tell you to let me go cause

we weren't playing the game anymore even though i didnt want you to.

then the next day came, and i was hanging with my then best friend

and you called me,twice. you had gotten my number from my guy friend.

then the four of us hung out, it was an awkward silence for awhile.

then you left to go with my guy friend and my bff came in and asked me

if i liked you and i said yes, my stomach flipped. she told me you liked me too.

that night after i went home i had a missed call from you and a text that said

"hey buddy :)" we talked for while and you told me goodnight.

next day my guy friend called me and said you thought i was cute,

funny, and had a great personality.

that was it. you said i looked cute when in fact my hair was a complete mess,

no makeup on, in a hoodie and shorts.

but there was a setback: there was another girl.

you had liked her for a long time but she didnt wanna date you

because of looks. and i told you i would like you no matter what, for

who you were and you said okay. we texted for awhile

and then sduddenly we didnt talk for weeks.

until one day you texted me and apologized saying that i

was too good and sweet for you, that i didnt deserve a jerk like you.

oh how i could cry right now thinking about this.

and we didnt talk for weeks, and then you texted me hey one day,

and i texted back but you never replied. ever.

so i gave up on you, i gave up complete hope.

so lets looks at us now:

im 16 and confused your 17 and graduating

we act like one another is invisible

we havent spoken nor texted each other since late july 2009

we look each other in the eye ocasionally in hallways

you basically know all my friends and have spoken to them

except me.

but it doesnt matter at all anymore, you dont even care.

you will never ever read this.

you will move on to bigger and better things, you have

so much potential and talent in you, i wish you the best.

but if you ever came running back, i would be here.

i don't hate you, and hope you don't think i do.

i hope you will one day find a girl that will make you happy

and content in life, and that all your dreams can come true.

we obviously, were just not meant to be and thats okay.

you will always be a small memory in my heart.

i was willing to give you everything,

and you turned me away.

i said i would love you for who

you are, unlike her.

why?

you can't even say hi to me anymore.

but you can look me in the eyes.

i dont understand, at all.

so, yesterday i had my first rehersal as an indian player.

it was FUN! it just made me more excited for next year!

i love being in something where everybody talks to everybody,

and we all get along, and we can all be ourselves.

it's also a great feeling being up on stage.

being apart of a great cast and an awesome show, its just great!

The Distance from 'A' to where you'd 'B'

This school year has been quite interesting.

I've made plenty of mistakes than i cannot

retake. I have had major highs and lows.

In the end i probably have learned the most

this year and i learned who my true friends were.

I've also made new friends. :)

But truthfully, i wish i could have a rewind button.

I would rewind all the way back to June 2009

and start out there. That would be beyond perfect.

Unfortunetly, life does not work that way. I have

to live with the things i've done and decisions i have

made even though i am definetly not happy with them.

All i can honestly do now is hope and pray for a

better school year next year. Junior year is suppose to

be fun,right?